I feel like independence is a bit overrated. I understand that parents want their children to be successful and that involves understanding they will eventually have to leave the nest and fly with their own wings.
How should we best insure they grow their wings? Is pushing for independence while they are young the best approach? I personally believe we over value independence and under value something similar, something called autonomy.
While independence is the ability to do things independently without aid, it also tends to lead to doing things …alone. Think Sole Proprietor instead of CEO.
A child that grows up constantly being pushed to be independent will not desire or develop the understanding of working with a team.
I think of sports
In sports you have independent sports like Golf, Bowling, Tennis, and Pool and then you have team sports like Baseball, Soccer, Basketball and my favorite which is Football. In Football, a Quarterback is a perfect example of someone who has autonomy.
They know they cannot accomplish their goals without the talent and ability of others. They need and are a part of a solid team. Each team member understands their role with the team and feels the teams’ successes and failures. When a person makes a mistake, they all suffer the consequences, as a team.
Family is a lot like a team.
Actually, a family IS a team, and each member of the family should have and understand their role within that team. When a family member knows their responsibilities are part of a team that relies on them, they are far more likely to do their part, because it is viewed as a contribution to a greater good, rather than an individual feat.
When a chore like taking the garbage out is viewed as an independent responsibility, it is far more likely to be put off until whenever that family member wants to do it. However when that same chore is viewed as an autonomous responsibility within the family’s goal of maintaining a clean home, they learn awareness. They have a better understanding of how doing their chores helps the family goal.
Here are some great ways to build autonomy over independence. When the child is young, having them start helping you to do the chores around the house. Cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash and garbage, pet responsibilities, you name it, can all benefit from little hands helping.
The mistake is giving them too much responsibility too soon. Remember when they were young, and you put socks on their feet and then eventually they started to put one sock on while you did the other? Eventually they put both of their own socks on. THAT is how to shape a childs understanding.
A child is not going to just do the dishes on their own. They won’t even know what “Do the dishes” involves. They need a step-by-step approach. Start with having them grab things from the sink and hand them to you to put in the dishwasher. Think of the team always. SHARE the chores. Maybe they can grab the empty new garbage bag, while you are pulling the full one out. Always try to incorporate some play into the chore. Eventually they, like with the socks, will want to increase their responsibilities.
When we as parents push for independence, we get pushback and risk raising children who become co-dependent adults. When we push for autonomy, we raise an competent and independent adult.
Changing Optics 